goodbye.

i miss you.
i miss you and today i thought of all the ways that i could have avoided this happening.


one by one i recounted every i love you that i felt in every step, my feet and hands waiting for your feet and hands to be there too. there is so much expectancy in love. in expecting you, i grew in i love yous.


my mouth, stunned and silent at the weight of words, held off. i remember how heavy my tongue felt in those last days before, even heavier after. before, i was ripe with so much promise. after, caught in an empty nothing. death always happens this way. one day something is alive, the next, it is not.


i am back to i miss you. there is no friend to take your place, because each place is so unique. what i have been missing is not the absence of just someone, but of you. there is no one else in the world like you, and now you are gone. this truth though simple makes me ache.


looking forward i see that it must be done. though i will always miss out on all that you are and though i may think back to you and be so proud to know that you are human- wonderful, glorious and terrible- i must go now. i do not like standing here in the empty road waiting for your return. i do not like missing out on living, waiting for your life.


absence is death of the worst kind. it teases and taunts; you are not dead, but you have died in me. you are not gone but you have disappeared. you still breathe, but i can not hear it anymore.


all of my anthems remain true, but i will let them go to remain and hang in summer space.


as long as it is summer, i love you.
now that it is autumn, i loved you.


i have to go away now. i must find new roads. i must embrace them now.
goodbye.