bike ride.

today i did it!

i road my bike down down to union and bought some more books, always more books, but this time with the confidence that i can cry like a little one in front of my professor and he will tell me i am brave (!) and i will get through this too, and pray for me? he even prayed for me because he's my brother,friend, he told me so.

so i bought my books but wasn't done with my spinning feet, and my head has been spinning so much lately, and my heart is always hurting and i just want to get that spinning out, and so i did it!

i rode, rode, rode down second with the traffic and then!

then i kept riding over the manhattan bridge, and did you know that the manhattan bridge is most beautiful at sunset? and so i looked right and i saw the brooklyn bridge and i saw her lady liberty and i saw the sun setting and i thought it is good here.

i am going to be okay here. i am free, and i am young, and even though i miss my dear dear (love)friend, i will be okay. i am happy here. i am happy here? i am happy here.

what changed? maybe it was going away that made coming back so good, so easy. maybe it was san francisco. maybe it was falling in love, maybe it was seeing myself as good, maybe it was the Lord's sweet release late one night in the new hampshire hills- no more obligation. no more pressure. (he loves me, his love never fails, he loves me, he loves me, he loves me.) - live free or die.

and now i'm home, and i have a home, even if its just for eight more months. and i am not looking to fall in love again, but only be okay with knowing myself and my friends and oops i ate meat today, but no more meats and red lipstick come october and a lot of smiling and no more clothing.

i ache, but i am still me! i can still do it! i can still be me!