brilliant colours.

loud, crashing brilliant colours
spill over me
running in thoughts and freedom
brilliance. brilliance.
(i'm blind to it)
take me at sunrise
twirled into twirls
cymbals crash and reign over me
the breeze runs through me,
permeable.
my skin is only
loosely binding.
a temporary contract.
spill it out.
spring is coming
& we will sink into the
sweet earth
sweet each other; one another.
loud, crashing brilliant colours
spill over me.
(i'm blind to it)
washed up on shore
at sunrise.
dance me pink
golden, orange
in casablanca and agidir
malaga, marseille.
dance me in silk.
loud, crashing brilliant colours
spill over me.

(i'm blind to it)

I'd like to be found

Back to the wall,
Up against it.

Bulldoze.
Just go ahead and knock it all down.
Disembody the pieces of my heart,
Tear at it,
Stripped,
Naked.

What will you find?
Sex, lies, anxiety, hopelessness.
You'll find nothing better than another, the worst.
You may find something that looks honest:
It's just that I've been lying.

Bulldoze,
Knock it down,
Disembody,
Tear,
Strip,
Naked.

Do it.
Get to me.

dress me

dress me in surprise,
babies,
sunshine coloured daffodils.

dress me in the honour
that i found
in your spine.

dress me coloured beautiful,
or something more than,
but not quite,
red.

i don't pretend it's always poetry.

you find me at the most inconvenient times.
and you're finding me
is my finding
that i'm uncomfortable
about you.

{a neighbor who
asks
for a favor
a little too often
to keep my space
my own space.}

that's what i say, anyway.

what i really mean,
when i'm honest,
is that i
avert my eyes
because your stare
scares me.

does the pleasure ever stop? do i trust falling?
do i want to be known? will i be exposed?

i have built beautiful walls around myself
that i would like to continue
to show you.

have you read this?
oh, it's lovely.
it speaks of me,
you should read it
rather than speak to me.

have you seen this painting?
oh it's me.
you should look at it
rather than looking at me.

and there you have me.
a reflection
of things that i've found
to reflect me.
a house of mirrors.
trickery.

hosanna.

I cannot be excited about you
in the way of balloons
or simple smiles
because you are not just that -
& if you only came for my elation
I would be elated.
Rather you died
& it still feels like a death
& I can't be excited
about participating in it.
(or, rather, i am already dead)

but i will drink this
bittersweet cup of
mulled wine
and participate with you:
a death.
a birth.
a mourning
that bursts forth
into dawn
into life.
and in the wretched dying
i feel alive
being made alive.
and you are life
and death,
life in death.

so from here on out i apologize
for all of my skepticism and snide remarks,
but you are uncomfortable.
and i do not know why so many
talk so cheaply of you.
and i cannot
promise
that i will ever stop holding my breath when you walk
into the room--
could you be?

i don't even get you.
but you are more than four laws
to be laid
you are a death
in a life.
you were slain and yet you were
not.

i do not mean to talk so cheaply of you.
hosanna,
please save.
emanuel,
jeshua,
find me.
please find me.

who are you?
i ask myself most days
& wonder why i
gave you my word.
(who am i to you?)
i don't know you
& i remain
unconvinced
that most people are in love at all,
let alone with you.
there are scores of rings
strung on womens' fingers.
i apologize for my skepticism,
but i cannot imagine
why.

family.

when asked in five years what i learned in college, i will answer family.
the smell of incense, a sanctuary, a sister who knows me, who celebrates me.
i will answer stories, pages and pages of poetry and prose that turn my heart from stone to flesh.
brothers. yes more brothers.
and a family - who i pour out and pour into.

i have never cared about politics and only pretend to study philosophy.

i study people.
these people who have become so wrapped up in my stories; their names embody lives, real and raw.
and together we meet our maker. we melt in his fire. consumed by his love.

and to think, if i had followed my plans i would still be east, far beyond her lady liberty.

but duty summoned and family followed and i am here rich in love.
i am in love.
i am in love.

belong.

i don't want to go backwards.
i remain uninterested in
retracing steps to reunite.

i am, however, concerned with belonging in your eternal arms, home, and the gold ribbon that has been wrapped around the tree outside all my window all winter. i'm interested in what sustains.

the long way.

paris, i'll get to you the long way.
i'll build up stories for you of the
long roads
that lead me to you.
i'll plaster walls all over
the world
that remind me of your love and how it draws me
to your iron rods
pointing to heaven.

a tower of babel,
a beacon of hope.

or, i won't.
maybe you will stop calling,
your voice may become less
and less.
it may fade like a love that
cannot wait any longer.

even then i will carry your picture in my pocket
and hold the memory of your love that taught me
to be faithful.

i may visit you five years from now
and we'll catch up on our kids names
and reminisce over how long we laughed
into every night.

i will hold you fondly in the corner of my eyes
as they smile.
paris, when i smile, i smile for you.
it will be nice to see you again,
if ever i shall find you again.

going home, three a.m.

at three a.m.
on the long ride back from
one home to another,
i begin to peer.
i stare at the icons head on,
wonder if i can take them down.

the wind blows gently,
and i wonder,
if it could ever be safe
to lay down
in sixth avenue
and look up and sink in.

i wonder what new york
could teach me in the dark
when it is lonely and looking
for someone to listen.

i'm willing to listen.

i want to lay down,
in the middle of sixth avenue
and look up and sink in.
i want to lay down,
and just be honest for a change.
bare and before you.
submitting
and safe.

petite fille, ballon bleu

i only wear blue when the sun beats down on my little hairs and little hands. i only wear blue when i want to fly or run deep. the air today, burst in me and threw me. i only wear blue when i want it to rain on my head and when i need to drink from the fountain.