hosanna.

I cannot be excited about you
in the way of balloons
or simple smiles
because you are not just that -
& if you only came for my elation
I would be elated.
Rather you died
& it still feels like a death
& I can't be excited
about participating in it.
(or, rather, i am already dead)

but i will drink this
bittersweet cup of
mulled wine
and participate with you:
a death.
a birth.
a mourning
that bursts forth
into dawn
into life.
and in the wretched dying
i feel alive
being made alive.
and you are life
and death,
life in death.

so from here on out i apologize
for all of my skepticism and snide remarks,
but you are uncomfortable.
and i do not know why so many
talk so cheaply of you.
and i cannot
promise
that i will ever stop holding my breath when you walk
into the room--
could you be?

i don't even get you.
but you are more than four laws
to be laid
you are a death
in a life.
you were slain and yet you were
not.

i do not mean to talk so cheaply of you.
hosanna,
please save.
emanuel,
jeshua,
find me.
please find me.